Grief thoughts

It's not been a bad day but, I don't know, it's been a bit meh. As soon as I got the message that Mac wouldn't be able to come to the Rose in June today I didn't feel like going myself and haven't gone anywhere. There's plenty on today, at least four possible events I could have attended but I went nowhere. I miss you so much. I did, on the other hand, get plenty done around the house. But it's been a lonely old day. I watched some of the tennis, most of the football, and the last four episodes of His Dark Materials which was beautiful and very sad so not mood-improving at all. I've baked the bara brith and started the bread I'm taking to Wales with me, I've washed and dried the bedding, planted the mango seed, but it's all rather empty right now. Everything is rather empty right now.

Tonight might have marked the end of the first period of mourning, maybe. It was Whiskers and Tales and your absence was keenly felt; your acute sense of smell and taste together with your descriptive turn of phrase. Bekky had arranged for us all to have a dram of one of your favourites, a 14 year old Tobermory, with which to toast you and a device to keep you involved in what was also the club's fourth birthday. The evening passed with its usual conviviality and I see it as a fitting end to this period of initial grievous loss. I hope so anyway. On Monday I start for Wales, hopefully stopping on the way to see Denise, for a week or so. It's something I planned from the start, figuring it would be about now that I'd be desperate to get out of the house, Our house, for a break with friends. I think it's nice that tonight happened when it did and I can go away more at calm than I've been for a while - it may turn out to be exactly what I'd hoped, a fresh start in...

What is it now? Five weeks? It's gone so quickly. Everyone continues to be very supportive, you are so missed. Today started out ok, I mean, it's hot as fuck but I had decent night's sleep and felt pretty good this morning. It was the day that Aviva would phone about your ISA and two minutes early than booked, they did. Very sensitive about the questions he'd be asking, it all went well aside from a slightly scratchy line but the upshot is that they're happy to transfer the money with no further ado, although it will take a couple of weeks to process. So money conversation #1 went well, all good etc. A bit later an email arrives from Jacki at Hampshire pension service about my widow's pension. On a level I understand it but they now get to pay out just about half of what they would have had to had you lived, but the main issue right now is that they've failed to process it in time for this month's payroll so I have no income at all until 31st July. I mea...

I thought I'd start writing to you love, as some sort of therapy maybe. who knows if I'll even keep it up but not being able to talk to you, especially of an evening, is really hard. Anyway, so I started this blog which I haven't told anyone else about, with a summary of where we are and how we got here and now I'm writing to you. I got my days wrong! It's difficult enough keeping track of time when you don't work but when there's a hole in your life too it becomes really hard. Anyway, it turns out the England game is not tonight. The post this morning brought a (polite) demand for repayment of the Attendance Allowance that was overpaid, and the council tax notification of cancellation of our joint account. Also the bank summary of your accounts which I believe has been sorted out over the phone a few days ago, but it's an unnecessary additional worry. I did manage to change the name of our clubcard account without any drama, so that's good. I'm ...

It's been 37 days now. Today was a bad day. Not an awful day, I've had enough of those to know the difference, but definitely "Not Good". The front door remains bolted, the dishwasher remains unemptied, the garden untended. This is the first Sunday since 'the things that have to be done' have, largely, been done. There's things I'm still waiting for, but it's the weekend so nothing will be resolved today. Probably not tomorrow either but maybe. Today the football schedule has changed so that there were no matches on in the daytime to distract so I have found myself binge-watching the second season of Bridgerton instead of getting on with things I can't face. That I'm even watching Bridgerton, let alone bingeing it, is down to my lovely daughters who wanted to catch up with season three while they were down for the funeral.  Ah yes, the reason we're here. Five weeks ago now my beloved wife died. Her breast cancer that had skilfully been...