Grief thoughts

 Something of a catch-up I think. I've seen the doctor a couple of times and the short story is I'm completely physically healthy (apart from what was always wrong - the gout and the allergic rhinitis+, well you know). My sore-ish throat was being caused by post nasal drip (the rhinitis) so I'm rinsing out my sinuses every day, just like you had me doing a while back, and it's helping a bit. I saw a lovely woman who took my blood for the follow up PSA (completely fine again) who recognised quickly and very empathetically that my main problem was not allowing that my grief is causing anxiety and  stress, and perhaps I ought to see someone about it. I will, but I haven't got round to arranging it yet. But just having that conversation with a professional has made a difference and I'm much more positive, about my health anyway. This has led to renewed interest in getting the house under control and redecorated where appropriate, but this week at least has been dedi...

I went to Stewart's funeral today, back at the Oaks where we had yours, although he was to be buried somewhere else afterwards. It was difficult to begin with but I felt you'd have wanted some sort of presence there so I went. Jane was late but I saw Hilary and other Stewart and, shit, his name escapes me, big bald guy. In the end it was fine. I had no emotional attachment to Stewart and the guy who gave the main eulogy was long and boring, only breaking down right at the very end. There were nearly as many people there as at yours, I tried to count the seats but I don't know. I should look up the capacity one day, but it must have been about 150+. Anyway, I'm in a bit of a slough at the moment, not feeling great - cold maybe? - probably just January, cold (weather), run down, not looking after myself properly; pick any two from four. On the upside, the trip to Dumfries in April is taking on family reunion proportions so hopefully many remaining questions about the Curr...

Here we are, less than 2 hours from the New Year. I'm going to write this and then go to bed - early start plus I don't feel much like seeing out The. Worst. Year. Ever., notwithstanding whatever wishes the new one brings, it will still be at least a bit shit without you. I read a post earlier about how someone was dreading the new year because they'd be entering a year without their loved one (father, I think) who'd died and they felt like they'd be leaving them behind. I want to leave 2024 behind, somehow I hope to leave sick and dying you there too and find happier memories resurfacing as time moves on. Obviously I don't know what the new year will actually bring, besides a lot of painful anniversaries, but I'm determined to make what I can of it (including getting a new laptop! - false economy this one, definitely) whatever that is. But I started a new painting today at least, which is something, and I haven't forgotten how to do it. I'm also off...

It's getting late on Christmas Eve. Adelaide and Charlotte are reading the books I got them for that Icelandic thing we do now (I've just put mine down), mum is reading something else and Michael has gone to bed. Mimi and Adam have taken Hank home which is a relief to the cats. It's been a good day thus far, the Ham was as good as last year but not as big so there'll be less cold sadly. It's only now, after a frantic build-up, and the party, that I've found a moment to reflect. Of course I miss you dreadfully - do you have any idea how much work this is for one person to keep on top of? Of course you do, I know there were years that I was less than totally helpful but I got there in the end didn't I? Wasn't last year perfect? How were we to know it'd be your last? The tree is loaded with presents as ever, which has provided an adventure playground for Dinah/Miss Mischief. Getting it from Wyld's Farm was different this year - I took the girls (and...

God knows it's been an awful few weeks. My cold that was developing last time came along in full blown spitefulness with an accompanying cough that is still lingering a little weeks later. Being unwell stopped me from visiting Terry in hospital but I was at least able to take him back up there after they'd let him out too early. It's been miserable, I've struggled to get anything done on days I haven't had something I've had to do. So what have I managed to do?  Mike and Bev came down and we spent the day on the island visiting mum, lunch at the Lifeboat of course. They're both doing well, as is mum - although she's given up on the in-ear hearing aids because they make it worse (I know)! Mac and the two Adams took me out for my birthday, so that was better than it might have been. Amelia took your ticket to Bellowhead and thoroughly enjoyed it which took a bit of the edge off it being the last thing we had arranged together. Beyond that, Mimi and I wen...

 Just over five months now, my love. Heart-breaking as ever of course, but this last week I think has been as bad as any. I think I've run out of energy for the various distraction projects and I've been (well, technically, am) unwell; horrible indigestion, bloating and a bit cold-y. I'm still a bit worried about my lungs - chest gets a bit tight sometimes. I mean, it's probably anxiety and a bit of cold but I'm going to keep a weather eye on it (I promise). Anyway, what news? Since I last wrote I've run into trouble in the spare room, the plug needs replacing but it's turned out to be more problematic than it ought to be - bloody electricians. The whole room has been on hold while I wait for a spacer and then being ill but I hope I'll have the energy to get on with it tomorrow. I haven't touched the hall at all since last time. I started doing Inktober didn't I? Well that's fallen by the wayside too sadly but I will pick it up again in some ...