Context

It's been 37 days now.

Today was a bad day. Not an awful day, I've had enough of those to know the difference, but definitely "Not Good".

The front door remains bolted, the dishwasher remains unemptied, the garden untended. This is the first Sunday since 'the things that have to be done' have, largely, been done. There's things I'm still waiting for, but it's the weekend so nothing will be resolved today. Probably not tomorrow either but maybe. Today the football schedule has changed so that there were no matches on in the daytime to distract so I have found myself binge-watching the second season of Bridgerton instead of getting on with things I can't face. That I'm even watching Bridgerton, let alone bingeing it, is down to my lovely daughters who wanted to catch up with season three while they were down for the funeral. 

Ah yes, the reason we're here. Five weeks ago now my beloved wife died. Her breast cancer that had skilfully been cut out three years ago returned in February and ripped through the rest of her body like a thing possessed. Despite all the help the oncology department could muster, two spells in hospital, she never stood a chance and finally went from cogent and alert to unconscious to dead in 22 hours. The speed of her demise was not only shocking and distressing but also necessitated the involvement of the coroner and then an autopsy which, together with a lost email, meant that her death certificate was finally issued the day after her funeral. 

It was, by all accounts, a lovely funeral. Just right. I hated every moment. 

So much to do, so much to organise, all while you can't believe any of it is happening. I didn't want to do anything or maybe something very small; get it over with, but eventually I realised how selfish that would appear and succumbed to a more regular affair. No black - too miserable, No flowers - money better used than adding to the profits of florists (well over £3000 has been raised in her name so far). The Co-op did her right, as her grandfather might have said, and we could have filled the crematorium four times over. She would have been humbled by the outpouring of love, I was heartbroken she wasn't there.

I have so much to do. So much got neglected during Sarah's illness, never mind how much a death adds to your to-do list. I make starts, people help, but nothing has actually been ticked off the list much beyond sorting things out with the bank. John did an amazing job on the garden so that what I have left is at least manageable, even though I haven't managed it yet. I have some artworks to sort out for an exhibition in August, I have a growing pile of possessions I don't want or need, ready for the charity shop, Vinted, or a future carboot sale. The back room floor badly needs a mop over it, never mind that it is still only half decorated. The upstairs bathroom badly needs a clean, as does the landing and the bedrooms, the craft room has become a dumping ground and the studio has been under reorganisation for several months now. All these things get a little attention while I can face them but it's so difficult on days like today to make any noticeable progress.

Going to bed is the worst. The first couple of nights I stuck to 'my side' but have since moved to the middle. It hasn't really helped. It's the time when her absence is most noticed, most painful. We were apart so rarely that it's not something I'm even slightly used to - I can think of maybe a fortnight's worth of nights she was away in nearly forty years. Getting to sleep is problematic, sometimes very. It's just not right with no-one there. No snoring. No soft light from the book on her phone. No brinksmanship on getting up in the morning!

Today was a bad day.

I made strawberry jam last night. Just half a jar in the end, and posted it on Facebook "...you can always make jam" the caption went. Lots of people liked it, a few commented, everyone missed the point - what else do you do with a bowl of strawberries when there's only one of you?

Today was a bad day. 

And I'm relying on England cheering me up tomorrow? lol