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Dear Sarah,

I thought I'd start writing to you love, as some sort of therapy maybe. who knows if I'll even keep it up but not being able to talk to you, especially of an evening, is really hard. Anyway, so I started this blog which I haven't told anyone else about, with a summary of where we are and how we got here and now I'm writing to you.

I got my days wrong! It's difficult enough keeping track of time when you don't work but when there's a hole in your life too it becomes really hard. Anyway, it turns out the England game is not tonight.

The post this morning brought a (polite) demand for repayment of the Attendance Allowance that was overpaid, and the council tax notification of cancellation of our joint account. Also the bank summary of your accounts which I believe has been sorted out over the phone a few days ago, but it's an unnecessary additional worry. I did manage to change the name of our clubcard account without any drama, so that's good. I'm still waiting to hear about the widow's pension  and death benefit and it's getting close to the end of the month. But don't worry, I still have money to live on.

I went to Tesco this morning for a few things (including a few beers for the match that isn't tonight) and to recycle the soft plastic. As I approached the entrance, for some reason "Christmas Tree Farm" by Taylor Swift entered my head and I shed a brief tear as I realised that here was something else we would never again do together. Our trip to Liss forest to select our tree and have some mulled cider while they cut it down for us, really signified the start of Christmas for us didn't it.

Another positive though! The art stuff is nearly ready. I've selected some pieces for the Portsmouth & Hampshire Art Society summer exhibition at the cathedral - it must be, what, 10 years since I'd entered anything there? You'd remember I'm sure. Getting back involved with the society is something Carrie and I promised ourselves when we left Hotwalls last year. Yes, I'm trying to start some new work but it's not easy with a newly broken heart. Maybe it'll help in the end, but not now.

But the loaf of bread I baked today is the best yet! I know bread was your thing but you're gone and I found this really good no-knead recipe, a bit like a cheat's sourdough.

It's only the middle of the afternoon but today has been much better than yesterday which was awful. I miss you so much every day and I'm so sorry I didn't really say goodbye, you were gone so quickly, all sorts of people were arriving; the doctor, friends and family, but I should have stayed with you and let someone else deal with the visitors.

I love you,

R

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