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Dear Sarah,

It's not getting any easier.

I know it's been a couple of months but I've been busy, unwell and away. And I'm so tired.

It's been brought home to me recently how much you meant to other people, I mean, I knew really but circumstances have demonstrated beyond measure what you meant to others - it made me feel quite selfish with my grief in a way. I know that's absurd but when you spend time thinking 'I know you're sad too but c'mon, you're not me...' it kinda hits home when someone has a breakdown that has been triggered ultimately by your death.

Looks like Bryan's on his last legs. He's been very ill in hospital for a couple of months now and although there's been some improvement, he's not in the first flush is he? Plus I don't know that he's cares enough to go on living. (I don't know why I keep putting news items in here, it's supposed to be some kind of therapy for me - I don't really believe you're able to see this - you're gone, I know).

I'm getting ready for the anniversary, mentally and practically - people are coming. I'm beginning to wonder if my cough refusing to stop is some sort of self sabotage attempt to stop it happening, to stop me having to deal with it, but I must. I know. I have two days left to clear up the garden and get the house ready, which is ages really but I am so tired, and coughing my lungs up every few minutes sometimes. Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes and then who knows?

Love always

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