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Dear Sarah,

God knows it's been an awful few weeks. My cold that was developing last time came along in full blown spitefulness with an accompanying cough that is still lingering a little weeks later. Being unwell stopped me from visiting Terry in hospital but I was at least able to take him back up there after they'd let him out too early. It's been miserable, I've struggled to get anything done on days I haven't had something I've had to do.

So what have I managed to do?  Mike and Bev came down and we spent the day on the island visiting mum, lunch at the Lifeboat of course. They're both doing well, as is mum - although she's given up on the in-ear hearing aids because they make it worse (I know)! Mac and the two Adams took me out for my birthday, so that was better than it might have been. Amelia took your ticket to Bellowhead and thoroughly enjoyed it which took a bit of the edge off it being the last thing we had arranged together. Beyond that, Mimi and I went up to London for a bit of a wobble plus van Gogh at the National, meeting up with the girls after work for drinks and dinner which was lovely. I've also accompanied Janet to see Michael's orchestra doing Beethoven's sixth (very good), and taken Steve to Wales for Swansea v Pompey where Steve H arranged a hospitality package and put us up for the weekend. BTW, Steve and Alison hosted a cocktail evening at the library just before the weekend and raised another £200 towards what I now refer to as 'your fund' for Breast Cancer Now, currently standing at just over £4,000. I keep meaning to get in touch with them, I've also decided to sell off some paintings in the new year to raise some more money for them and thought maybe they could send some promo stuff. And Mac has had a minor op on his hand so I was able to repay a tiny fraction of the support and kindness he has shown me by picking him up from St Mary's.

That is all the news!

Now Christmas is approaching and it is more or less under control believe it or not, hopefully the Blackstaffs will be joining us to make it a bit jollier and less like a wake. Sherborne Day is sorted, tree day is planned, and Mimi and I are going to Winchester for the market and shopping. I'm even hosting a party for friends. I think I'm just trying to keep very busy, your absence is going to hit so hard I'm not even sure I can do it otherwise. 

Maybe it is the time of year but honestly it's not getting any easier, if anything I'm coping less well than in the summer (God knows what January will bring). The nights are so hard, so lonely, and I'm really struggling some days to do anything (as intimated above). Even this, whatever this is, is something I mean to do far more regularly than I have, and more profoundly than I have. I know it helps, or should help to "journal" even if I couldn't possibly do it every day, but procrastination is now my middle name if it wasn't before. I miss you so much on every level, I even let quizzy Mondays wash over me, I have no-one with whom to share answers, ideas, quips, thoughts, suggestions, either mundane or profound. Throughout the day I am constantly reminded that you are not here any more, and it hurts every time. Waking up in the morning is a series of chores, shopping is a chore, cooking is a chore and it's always my turn. Sometimes none of it seems worth the effort but I will continue because everything else and everyone else matters too, and it must get better eventually.

I will not be Bryan. 

But I will also not be that bloke at the Rachel Croft gig (see previous), so it will take time and I must live with that.

Love you always,

R

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