Skip to main content

Dear Sarah,

Well, that was quite the weekend. I think you'd have handled it better, but then of course, had you been here it would not have been out of the ordinary. I spent our anniversary helping Ads sort her garden out so they could get a greenhouse in there, down the side of the house where it's surprisingly warm and sunny. We've picked out a nice lean-to model which will fit the space nicely. A small fraction of your death benefit will pay for it. Mum came over on  Saturday and suddenly I realised how unprepared I was. Thankfully Adelaide was keen to have a lasagne (Charlotte couldn't make it, she had an ear infection) which was easy enough. I'd persuaded Amelia to have a garden party on the Sunday - her birthday. She wasn't overly keen but with you gone, her birthday is the only family celebration at this time whereas once we were falling over them. She can do what she likes next year, but I thought it important to do something this time and I think everyone was glad we did in the end. Bank Holiday Monday involved taking Ads home and mum  coming along to see the garden. Then I managed to find enough left over chicken curry in the freezer to feed us. She went home today and I collected my work from the cathedral - all but one as I'd sold that wire nude I made ages ago in Chris's class! You'd have been thrilled for me, I know.

I'm slowly making some changes around the house. I think you'd like most of them. With John's help the garden is under control and I've transformed to water feature which is now a small pond! The back room is slowly coming together, your dad's old chairs are away being reupholstered finally, and I've bought a lot of house plants. Tonight I made a start on the hall, well a very small start - it's been magnolia for far too long! Too much else is in abeyance really. I mean, most of your clothes have gone but little else apart from four boxes of stuff that was going to a car boot sale we never got round to. I'm going to have to go through that again, see if it can go to the charity shop instead; it's getting in the way.

It's been a little over three months now and sometimes I think I'm coming to terms with it but there's always something to remind me how alone I now am. Usually the evenings when I'm acutely aware that you've gone. 

Love and miss you still,

R

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Sarah,

It's not getting any easier. I know it's been a couple of months but I've been busy, unwell and away. And I'm so tired. It's been brought home to me recently how much you meant to other people, I mean, I knew really but circumstances have demonstrated beyond measure what you meant to others - it made me feel quite selfish with my grief in a way. I know that's absurd but when you spend time thinking 'I know you're sad too but c'mon, you're not me...' it kinda hits home when someone has a breakdown that has been triggered ultimately by your death. Looks like Bryan's on his last legs. He's been very ill in hospital for a couple of months now and although there's been some improvement, he's not in the first flush is he? Plus I don't know that he's cares enough to go on living. (I don't know why I keep putting news items in here, it's supposed to be some kind of therapy for me - I don't really believe you're...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dear Sarah,

What is it now? Five weeks? It's gone so quickly. Everyone continues to be very supportive, you are so missed. Today started out ok, I mean, it's hot as fuck but I had decent night's sleep and felt pretty good this morning. It was the day that Aviva would phone about your ISA and two minutes early than booked, they did. Very sensitive about the questions he'd be asking, it all went well aside from a slightly scratchy line but the upshot is that they're happy to transfer the money with no further ado, although it will take a couple of weeks to process. So money conversation #1 went well, all good etc. A bit later an email arrives from Jacki at Hampshire pension service about my widow's pension. On a level I understand it but they now get to pay out just about half of what they would have had to had you lived, but the main issue right now is that they've failed to process it in time for this month's payroll so I have no income at all until 31st July. I mea...
Post a Comment
Read more

Context

It's been 37 days now. Today was a bad day. Not an awful day, I've had enough of those to know the difference, but definitely "Not Good". The front door remains bolted, the dishwasher remains unemptied, the garden untended. This is the first Sunday since 'the things that have to be done' have, largely, been done. There's things I'm still waiting for, but it's the weekend so nothing will be resolved today. Probably not tomorrow either but maybe. Today the football schedule has changed so that there were no matches on in the daytime to distract so I have found myself binge-watching the second season of Bridgerton instead of getting on with things I can't face. That I'm even watching Bridgerton, let alone bingeing it, is down to my lovely daughters who wanted to catch up with season three while they were down for the funeral.  Ah yes, the reason we're here. Five weeks ago now my beloved wife died. Her breast cancer that had skilfully been...
Post a Comment
Read more