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Dear Sarah,

It's been a couple of weeks, one of which was pretty bad, mentally; anxiety attacks, stress illness, the works. I'm ok again now, and my prostate blood test came back negative which is great even though Dr Garland still thinks a finger test is worth it to be sure, so that's next week.

Tonight I had my first steak  since you died, quite tasty but truth be told I don't love them as much as you did but they are easy meals for one. That's been quite tricky, menu planning. I've lost much of the will to cook. I make myself make a pot meal (curry, chilli etc) at least once a fortnight (which supplies leftovers for the freezer) and have something else simple cooked from scratch once a week, but ready meals are so good these days, it's just easier not to have to think. People, I think, underestimate how difficult it is to make something nice when there's no-one to share it. I am giving up buttered crumpets though! My waistline has suffered a lot through all the comfort eating.

I hate going to bed.

You'd be amazed at two things I'm doing though. Firstly, Steve (probably against his better judgement) is coming with me to London tomorrow to see - and this is the jaw-dropping part - a poetry gig! Harry Baker is the name and I found him on Instagram a clip of him performing one of his poems that just hit the mark that day. He's funny and empathetic (?) {I'm losing words} and anyway, he's fun and different.  

The other thing is I'm starting to plan Christmas (I know, you were right all along) and I've invited John, Annabelle and Michael (who has a new 'friend' we think) and they're going to come, so it will be different but lively even though it will be completely ghastly without you, last year being so perfect as well.

Took Mac to the Tate the other day which was a nice day out, we're going to see Rachel Croft in a couple of weeks too. Popped over to see Piu for her art trail which was a nice surprise (they assure me lol) and I got some things for presents plus a sculpture you'd probably hate. I'm biting off a lot around the house too <shit, this laptop is shit at charging now, finish later> Right, I think I've got enough time to finish. (so) Today I decided the only way I was going to get the spare room done was to rip up the carpet, so that's started - moving the bed will be an issue but it must be done. I am getting on with things, I know you were worried. But however much I don't mope around all day (and some days just are like that), however much I get done, or at least start, however much I go out and see people, or however much I distract myself it always ends the same; when the music stops, you're still not here.

R

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